The difference between living and existing


We’ve all been there. We go through periods in life where we feel like every day is the same. Get up, go to work, come home, sleep, then wake up and do it all over again.

I’ve had quite a few times in my life when I felt like this. When I was 19 I was in a bit of debt – I’d made the mistake of borrowing money from a provident lender (which I would strongly advise people AGAINST doing) and I had quite a large overdraft. I was working 6 days a week in a fruit and veg shop for minimum wage and after I’d paid my rent, bus fares, weekly repayments etc I was left with £20 a week for food and that was it. I had literally no money to go anywhere and no time to do anything anyway.

I spent pretty much the majority of my late teens up until I fell pregnant drinking most nights and not much else. I wanted to do all these things – get my dream job, travel, make the most out of life – but I was comfortable and didn’t really have the drive to do it.

Since I’ve had Max it’s all changed. So many more opportunities have opened up and I want to take them all. If anyone reading this is in the position I was – merely existing instead of living – don’t wait until you have a child to chase your dreams! Don’t let yourself fall into the “easy” way of life if you want more. It’s not just going to fall into your lap, you need to work hard for it!

I’m finally really living instead of just existing and it’s so worth it. Take the first step. 😊

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September smiles

For me, September has always felt more like the beginning of the year than January. I really dislike the new year, I don’t know why – January always just feels like a “nothing” month, like everyone is skint from Christmas and you’re just waiting for the weather to get better cos there’s nothing really going on.

I always look on September as my “new year” – it’s when all the school terms start, the fun of summer is over and it’s time to knuckle down and get to work. This has definitely been true for me this year anyway 😊.

Max started nursery last week. He cries when I drop him off, he says he wants to stay at home and he doesn’t want to go but the staff say when he’s there he has a lovely time. I’m so happy with the one I chose, the children have a nursery diary that the staff fill in every day so the parents know what they’ve been up to and it’s a really nice environment.

I started at my new gym. I had one session with a PT and now I know what I’m doing I’m gonna be going four times a week. I need to be really strict with myself and my meal plans if I want to see results – I find I have setbacks when I’m away from home. Last Friday I was in London and I was drinking, and when I’m drinking I always just want crap food the next day. And it’s hard to find food that suits your meal plan when you’re on the go. I’m determined to stick with it though – trained legs today and I want to cry because they’re so sore!

The next few weeks I’ll be doing some training for my new volunteer role and I also need to finish my UCAS application. I want to get it sent off by mid-November. Bring on the future 😊👊

Beautiful friendships

True friends are never apart, maybe in distance but not in heart.

I wrote a post before about mine and Kayleigh’s friendship and I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the different kind of friendships we have with people. There are the ones you associate with, go on nights out, have a laugh etc. Then there are the ones who you trust implicitly and tell them everything.

My two closest friends are Kayleigh and Aimee. They’re the ones I talk to all the time, the ones I can tell anything to, the ones who have a positive impact on my life and the ones who are my kindred spirits. Surrounding yourself with toxic people will only have a negative impact on your life and you don’t need to have millions of friends to be happy if the ones you do have are amazing. I love all my friends but I could survive without the majority of them. If I lost Kayleigh or Aimee it would have a major impact on my life.

Thank you girls for being you. We don’t see each other every day but it doesn’t matter because I love you both so much and you’re a lot of the reason I’m so happy with my life! 😘

Depression.

OK, I know this is a bit of a dramatic title, but this post is going to discuss some dramatic stuff, so bear with me.

The other day I posted a photo on Instagram of a dessert I had when I went out for my birthday. (An AMAZING dessert, with Bailey’s in it 😍.) When people like my photos I usually have a bit of a nosey on their profiles to see what they’re like (I’m interested in people). So this girl liked my dessert photo and when I clicked on her profile I saw that she was a recovering anorexic (very inspiring, by the way – I love seeing people battling against the odds). I had a brief look through her photos and noticed some of the hash tags – things like #depression #ana #edrecovery etc. I clicked on a couple of them to see what posts would come up and I was literally catapulted into a world that is the complete opposite of mine.

I honestly couldn’t believe some of the things I found on there. Pictures of self harm, starving girls, quotes about suicide – a lot of anonymous accounts talking about how worthless they felt, how they didn’t want to be here any more… One account I found talked about how their dad had called them “stupid” for having depression and said he didn’t want to be in the same room with a stupid person. These posts literally horrified me. I’ve just been in and looked at my 2 year old while he sleeps in his bed and think if he ever had those feelings when he’s older I’d be absolutely heartbroken.

I know I don’t come across as a sensitive person. In general, I’m not. I have no time for people who talk about “relationship goals” and moan about trivial nonsense. But I do care about real human suffering. This is the exact reason why I want a career where I can make a difference, where I can help people – even if it’s just one person, that would make me happy.

I don’t have depression. I’ve never had depression. I’ve had a couple of “down” periods in my life, once when I was 18 and then the baby blues just after Max was born (which I discussed in a earlier post) but neither of those is remotely close to what these people suffer every day. I’m not gonna pretend I understand how it feels but I wanted to write this just on the off chance that someone who IS suffering might see it. There are some strangers out there like me who read your stories and do care.

Every day I wake up and plan what I’m going to achieve that day. Even if it’s something ridiculous and boring like cleaning the bathroom. I get a sense of satisfaction out of every day, I’m so excited about the opportunities that are available to me and I’m in love with life. EVERYONE can have that and everyone deserves to feel like that. I wish everyone could feel the same as I do and from now on I’m going to try every day to give out random compliments to people, even strangers. You never know when you’re making someone’s day that little bit better. 😊

Alice getting old

It was my birthday on Monday in case you didn’t know. I’m officially halfway to 50 *sob*. Nah, I’m actually feeling ok about it. I think it’s because this year I actually feel like I’ve got my act together and I’ve been going after what I want.

Anyway, I had the best birthday. Sunday we went out for lunch at Risley Park which is one of my favourite places to eat (if anyone reading this lives in the Nottingham/Derby area, GO THERE. Then we went to Notting Hill carnival which was absolutely amazing. We’ve decided we’re gonna go back every year. I literally fall more in love with London every time I visit. I drank way too much and ate way too much but it was all worth it.

So it’s Wednesday now and it’s officially our last week of freedom! Max starts nursery on Monday and I’ll be working and taking the gym a lot more seriously. I can also start applying for unis from this month so I need to get my UCAS application perfect. Finally time to get the ball rolling! I’m really nervous but so excited as well.